Waiting

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child you must wait!"

"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By FAITH I have asked, and am claiming Your Word."

"My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I need a yes, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a no to which I can resign."

"And Lord you promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run."

"All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - but, you wouldn't KNOW ME."

"You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint,
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."

"You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair,
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in me
When darkness and silence were all you could see."

"You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove.
You'd know that I give and I save... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart."

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth thats beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God who makes what you have LAST."

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for thee,"
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!"

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
THAT THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME.
And though oft may my answers seem terribly late,
My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."



i did not write this - but i could hug the person who did. somehow, they managed to put into words exactly what i am feeling these days, and what God is saying in return. many of you have been asking me how i am doing, or what the latest fertility news is - and this poem sums it up. we are waiting. and i am tired of waiting. BUT - i can say that i am desperate and needing my God like i never have in all my life, and that has been a good, good thing... and i am thankful for it.

Halloween and such

 

 

 

 

We aren't huge Halloween people at our house, so we like to call it Reformation Day. :) That didn't stop us from having a really fun weekend though! Campbell actually understood the "trick or treat" thing this year, and of course loved dressing up. The first few pictures are of our little ballerina... she was too cute and looked so big running up to each door. We already had the costume since she started taking ballet this fall, but I have recently taken her out for now - I think she was just too young. She really liked it, but it was more music and playtime that ballet. Can't wait to put her back in a class next fall though. At least we didnt waste the outfit!

Friday night our friends Kendall and Will had a party at their hunting lodge in Guntersville. Campbell was a doctor that night, with pink scrubs that had Dr.Campbell monogrammed on them. (a sweet friend gave them to us) She even had a little play doctors kit with all the gear, and Ben brought her shoe covers, a surgeons hat, etc home from the hospital. But, she wouldn't keep anything but the scrubs on - so we switched to a ballerina for trick or treating. :) Saturday night we trick or treated with friends, and Sunday night our church had a huge "tailgate" on the soccer fields where each small group tailgates, and the kids trick or treat at each one.

The other random pictures above were too cute not to share - we went "puddle jumping" on our street a while back, and Campbell was thrilled that she got to wear only her swimsuit and rainboots. That girl loves puddles - and this time she didnt get in trouble for getting in them! Daddy even joined in the fun since he LIVES in his boots too - mommy just took pictures. :)

Songs in the Car

So I realize its been over a month since I posted - shame on me! A lot has happened since then - I had a birthday, Campbell and I went to Charleston to visit my friend Jess with my parents, and much more. All of which, I need to post pictures from. But don't have time today - but I have to quickly pass on what just happened in the car before I forget...

Campbell and I were on the way home from school, and she sang the whole way home. Not any songs like the usual ABC's or Jesus loves Me - no, today she was making up her own - for an entire 15 minutes... and I was ROLLING will laughter...

(you have to picture this being sung with a sing-songy tune :) )

God loves us, and God loves ice cream!
Jesus, please give God some ice cream...
He loves it cause it is soooo very yummy
and He will eat it and get it all over
His mustache!
Gooooooooood loooooooooves ice cream!

Hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did - if only I could put THAT on my ipod...

Why didn't you tell us?!?

We have recently figured out that there is HORRIBLE Seal music playing when you view our blog... why didn't you tell us?!? Most blogs I visit have wonderful music in the background, but Ben and I just never added any songs to ours. Then when logging in to post one day, my speakers happened to be on - and I heard what you guys have been hearing... so sorry! We have no clue how to get it off since we didn't put it on there, but we are working on it... I have been wanting to post a video with music - but can't until we get rid of Seal! If you have any suggestions for this please let us know...

Until then - a story...

My parents have a lake behind their house. It's just a small lake for fishing - but Campbell loves it. My parents take her in the canoe, and let her swim. So the other day we were in the car with Campbell when this conversation took place:

Campbell: Daddy, I love Papa's lake.

Ben: I love the lake too Campbell - maybe one day we can get a house on a lake.

Campbell: We can daddy, we can! We can go get one at the Hobby Wobby! (hobby lobby)

This story is hilarious for many reasons - apparently Campbell thinks you can buy lakehouses at Hobby Lobby, and that she even knows what Hobby Lobby is... anyone who knows me knows that I am NOT a crafty person like many of my friends... where do they get this stuff?!?

We're Back!

Sorry for the LONG break from blogging - its been a busy month, and we just got back from a week long trip to Auburn to see Bens family that were in town from Seattle. No news on the fertility front - it looks like I will need a higher dose of meds next month... still just hanging on and trusting God to change us through this... for now, He is enough! (keep praying that for me...) I have lots of pictures to share, and lots of updating to do... But first - I need to attend to the mountains of laundry and lack of food in the fridge... check back soon!

I will leave you with a few recent Campbell quotes...

"I'm going to marry my daddy..." (my heart melted)

"I need to go get a popsicle and eat it in bed - thats my job." (after just waking up)

"This is beautiful!" (after entering bens parents new house)

"You have a beautiful dress on Doll..." (complimenting Bens mom)

"I love your pretty hair bow Kimmie." (to kimmie about her bobby pin holding her bangs back - kimmie thought this was funny since she hadn't showered...)

"You are a good daddy" and "You are a good mommy"

She has been full of compliments lately!! :)

He will make something beautiful...

Anyone who knows me very well knows that I get very emotional during worship in church. (especially those sitting beside me!) Something about music has always had a special place in my heart - and I treasure that worship time on Sundays almost as much as I treasure the sermon. It is amazing to me how often it seems these songs have been written just for me... 2 of my very favorites are Before the Throne (the Shane and Shane version) and Oh, How He Loves Us (which I have on an old blog post). If you haven't heard them, get to searching for them right away!

This past Sunday was no exception for me... my brother in law and sister in law were in town, and were with me - but Ben was working. It was time for Communion, and our Music Minister sang a duet with a girl from the worship team. It was beautiful... With my head bowed, tears were rolling down my cheeks as I thanked the Lord that He had not forgotten my pain - and had sent this song as a reminder to me. EVERY word explained what I am feeling every single day, yet couldn't express in words. This "road to another baby" isn't getting any easier, but thankfully God isn't (nor will ever) get less faithful either.

The song is called Make Something Beautiful by Laura Story. Her version is a little faster - they sang a slow version on Sunday. Either way, it is now in my top 5 - and you must hear it. I hope this song will encourage you as it did me - and no matter what you are going through, TRUST HIM to make something beautiful...


when I’m at the point of breaking
at the place where I resign,
And I’m at the stage of shaking my head
as I look back on my life,
When I’m halfway through the grieving,
but not quite through the ache,
When I cannot see the ending
Or which road I’m supposed to take

All I know to do
is lift my hands to You
Take all of my life,
all of my life,
And make something beautiful.
I open my hand,
trusting Your plan.
to Make something beautiful
so all will see
your work in me
as you Make something beautiful

when i'm tired of pretending
and can't recall my lines
do i say i'm barely breathing
or say i'm doing fine
i admit there is a yearning
for the hurting to subside
BUT NOT AT THE RISK OF MISSING
what you're doing in my life

All I know to do
is lift my hands to You
Take all of my life,
all of my life,
And make something beautiful.
I open my hand,
trusting Your plan.
to Make something beautiful
so all will see
your work in me
as you Make something beautiful

all i know to do
is lift my hands to you...
all i know to do
is lift my hands to you...

make something beautiful
make something beautiful

Amen!

I call - He answers

I have heard people say that it is hard for them to read blogs - because people only put the "good" in their lives on their blogs - as if every one of us has happy husbands, obedient children, and a perfectly clean house with a yummy meal in the oven. We all know this is not so... and to prove it, this post will expose me for the helpless sinner that I am. No need to hide it - I need Him. Today especially - and when I called, He answered.

Ben has been working long hours, which is always hard for many reasons. We don't get enough time together, which usually brings petty arguments for no reason. It also means Campbell doesn't get enough time with HIM (which breaks my heart), and I get too much time with HER. Plus Ben is exhausted, and never gets a break... not a good combination. On top of this, the terrible two's have slapped me in the face. When Campbell first hit 2 I thought, "hey, this isn't too bad!" - boy was that premature. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my child - and she has really good days, but she has really bad days too. Like the last several in a row - which have been enough to send me over the edge... like today.

I had lunch with 2 college friends, and Campbell poked one of the them in the face with a fork and refused to apologize. She also wouldn't hug them or tell them bye - but prefered to scream no instead. When I got home, I had had enough. I emailed Ben to apologize for not being forgiving in a stupid argument from the night before, and broke down in the middle of it. I want to love my husband and child perfectly - and I can't. I fail every day. I also want another child so badly - and hate the waiting period the Lord is taking us through. But then I have this horrible feeling, that maybe He shouldn't give us another if I am having such a hard time with this one. A terrible thought, I know - but an honest one.

With tears rolling down my cheeks, I collapsed on my bed knowing I didn't need to call a friend, my mom or even Ben at work - I needed to talk to my heavenly Father. He was the only one that could save me from this pit... I tried to pray, sing a favorite hymn or 2 in my head, but I needed to hear from the Lord - so I brushed the dust off my Bible (yes, i said dust - it has been a while - which is probably how i got in this pit) and opened to Romans 8. And as I read the very words of God Himself, I saw a heading called "More than Conquerors". Ha - I thought - I DEFINITELY don't feel like a conqueror - let alone more. I feel like a failure. But as I read I was reminded that it is not ME who conquers... it is HIM.

"In all these things we are more than conquerors THROUGH HIM WHO LOVED US. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord."

I am so easy overwelmed with the turns life has been taking these days, sometimes I feel the walls closing in. Today the Lord sweetly reminded me He would save me from that feeling by showing me "how WIDE and LONG and HIGH and DEEP is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:18-19

Thank you Jesus...

Up, Up, and AWAY!!

So, my ridiculously awesome wife surprised me with a SKYDIVING trip for my birthday this year!! I have always wanted to go, but of late, Katie had "convinced" me that it wasn't a good idea, now that we have a child to look after and stuff. So I had kinda given up on the idea. Then, a couple days before my birthday, she got Campbell to come out with a piece of paper that Campbell had colored that said "Happy Birthday Daddy" on it, but on the other side were pictures of people skydiving with my and her brother's face on them(she got him to go with me). I was very surprised, but unfortunately showed it by not acting all that excited. I was shocked and actually VERY pumped! Anyway, we went this past Saturday at a place outside Atlanta.

It was easily THE coolest thing I have ever done! I mean really, how much cool stuff do people do that would be more awesome than skydiving? I jumped tandem as you can see from the pictures below and a cameraman videoed the whole thing which was really nice to have. Man! It was awesome! We jumped from 14,000 ft. and pulled the chute at about 5,000 ft. Free fall for at least a full minute, then sailed down the rest of the way over about 7-8 minutes. The falling sensation lasts for about 2-3 seconds until your velocity plateaus, then it just feels like a giant fan is blowing wind at you, and its really loud. After the chute opens its dead silent and all you hear is the gentle flapping of the chute and you can look around and enjoy the view. Landing was smooth and everything. We were asking the guys how much it would cost to get all our own gear and learn to do it on our own. Because after you get certified its only about $20-30 for a "lift ticket" for them to take you up. Not too bad.












Anyway, check out the picks and give Kate major props for the most awesome birthday present ever.

True or False, I have the best wife ever and you're jealous she's not yours? I'll save you the thinking . . . TRUE!

Pregnancy - Not my own, but even better...

Its Kendall!!!

One of my best friends from college has been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years, and it has been a very long road... but she called me on Friday and told me some of the best news I have ever heard - they are going to have a baby!! After Invitro, IUI, all kinds of medicine, and lots of tears - its has finally happened. The best part is, her doctor gave her a 9% chance of getting pregnant with this past procedure, and God showed her!! If you want to hear an amazing story of God's faithfulness to a wonderful couple that loves their Lord - ask me more...

On that same note, for those of you that don't know - Ben and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. I just went to the doctor several weeks ago, and am still having some test run and praying about what to do next. This has already been a tough road to travel, but we are clinging to His promise that He who loved us enough to give us His only son, will not withold any good thing... (Psalm 84) He knows what is "good" for me - I don't. And if you ask Kendall about her story, she will tell you that she is so much closer to her savior after these several years - and as much as I want another baby, I want that more...

I had a progesterone test done today to see if my hormone levels are normal, and now Ben and I are still just praying about where to go from here... would you pray for that too?

And PRAISE GOD, FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW for the sweet miracle growing inside Kendall - her positive pregnancy test made me happier than if it was my own! Please continue to pray for her, Will, and baby Ainsworth in the weeks and months ahead...

Its gone...for Now

As you know, I have been looking for a way to get rid of our beloved paci for a while now... and this weekend the opportunity presented itself, and I went for it - or should I say, Ben went for it...

We were in Auburn this weekend, and I left Campbells bear and duck (her sleeping buddies) and 1 or her 2 paci's in the crib at my parents house by accident. Then we "lost" the other paci in the car on the way home. I had a baby shower to go to right when we got back, so Ben put Campbell down for her nap, and couldn't find a paci... so being the great dad he is - he jumped at the chance to be done with it for good! He put her down without it, and she did great. Took a 2 hour nap. Then last night we had a little harder time getting her to sleep without it, but finally did and she slept until almost 8. Yea!

Now, however, it is 3:30 in the afternoon and I am still trying to get her to take a nap... but I am trying to be strong! Hopefully we have given it up for good... Now if I can just tackle potty training...

HELP

So we have quite a few changes coming up to make that might stir Campbell's life up a bit... I want to first take away the paci, second start potty training, and third move her to a big girl bed. Wow - I just get tired thinking of it... The paci will be more sad for me than her I think - it just brings her so much comfort. I hate to take that away. Oh well! Potty training is also a very scary thought... I have read all I can, and think I have all the necessary things to start. The big girl bed is not as high of a priority - she has never thought about climbing out (knock on wood) and still loves her crib. Plus, I was hoping to switch her to a new room and big girl bed when I got pregnant - but since that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon, we might have to just put her new bed in her current room. I hate to give up a guest room if I don't have to!

All that to say, can anyone give me their great pearls of wisdom on these 3 things? I know those of you that have been there and done that will be better than any book... so help! Please! I just remember back to the baby stages being so hard because they changed so fast - and as soon as you thought you had one phase mastered, it was on to a new one... Well, I feel like we have gotten things down and had things easy for quite a while now - and going back into unchartered territory is NOT something I am looking forward to!

Thanks for your help... I'll leave you with a few recent favorite Campbell stories...

-Tonight I was about to spank her for spitting out her milk (a new favorite of hers) and as I turned her over my knee she screamed "I obey God! I obey God!" :) Its hard for your discipline to be effective when you are grinning from ear to ear!

-I have asked her lately when she has 2 things if she wants both (pacis, toys, etc)... She then put together that both meant 2, so she now says "2 both" instead of 2 or both. example: "I want 2 both pieces of apple mommy." I love it!

Sweet Friends, Sweet Kids, Sweet Brother

A good friend from college that lives in Dallas flew in to the beach a few weeks ago, and another friend from Birmingham and I drove down to see her - and took our girls! Jessica and I took little Evelyn and Campbell for the 5-6 hour trip down - and it was interesting! We hadn't seen Whitney since her wedding over 3 years ago - so we were overdue for some hang out time... and she hadn't met Campbell! It was really good to see her - and the girls loved the beach. The ride down and back was another story... lets just say I'm glad Jess and I made it back alive. Whitneys sweet husband, his brother, and her dad were all there too - and were such a big help with the girls! Whitneys husband even found Campbell a crab at the beach! (and she still talks about it!) Thanks Max! And thanks for a wonderful trip Whit - hope your birthday was wonderful!

Also, I went with some girls from our church last Friday to a womens shelter downtown to put on a May Day Carnival for the kids. It was so wonderful - the kids had a great time, and they melted my heart. We had a inflatable donated, snow cones, face painting, and lots more fun things. Our church does things weekly there, and I can't wait to go back - and take Campbell! Here are a few pictures from the day...



Then, my sweet brother came in town last weekend - and we all took Campbell to the park. Campbel LOVES her Uncle Brian and every second she gets to spend with him!

The Red Bubble Gum

It happened. Campbell put something in her mouth so gross - it made me sick.

A friend and I took the kids to McDonalds after Bible study to play and have lunch since it was so pretty. The kids were playing outside on the playset, and I ran in to get a refill on my drink. When I came back, my friend said - "I think Campbell has something in her mouth..."

No, I had not given her anything - we had finished lunch. This was something she must have found on the playset... YUCK! I could smell the fruity scent as I grabbed a wipe and crammed it in her mouth yelling at her to spit it out, and when I reached in her mouth I pulled out a big wad of CHEWED UP RED BUBBLE GUM... are your stomachs churning yet? Who knows whose gum that was!! And my child was chewing on it!! I'm sure this has happened many times to others, but I thought I was going to pass out. I just hope there aren't too many strange diseases that can be passed from chewing others gum...

YUM! :)

The INhumane Society

I am very sad... I LOVE dogs, and most animals in general. I am NOT an animal rights fanatic, however. But the Humane Society and SPCA commercials on TV always make me cry, and make me want to send money. NO dog should go without food or be mistreated - and it breaks my heart to know that happens. So usually, I would want to support any organization that helped them...

Until now! My dad is a Wildlife Biologist and works for the US Department of Agriculture. Through work he came across an article on the US Humane Society - and sent it to me the other day. It was so sad - apparenly, the President of the Humane Society makes over $500,000 a year and has his own limo driver full time. Also, the organization gives less than 4% - yes 4% - of their profits to animal shelters!! Can you believe that? I am furious... its nothing but a money making scheme. This article was run by several papers - even the New York Post had done an investigation.

So moral of the story is - if you want to give your money to help homeless pets - GIVE IT DIRECTLY TO YOUR LOCAL ANIMAL SHELTER - that is the only way they will get it! Most of these animal activist groups don't really have the interest of the animals in mind at all - just their bank accounts...

Jesus is Alive!

Jesus is Alive mommy! These were the sweet words I heard for weeks until Easter... the funny thing is, Jesus doesn't stop being alive nor do we need to stop reminding ourselves of that fact just because Easter is over. We love and serve a RISEN Lord -
every day of the year!

Our Easter was really special. Campbell started the week before with a party at school, and an Egg Hunt at the park and at Dawson Baptist that Saturday. Ben had to work unfortunately, but sweet Aunt Jess came along for the ride instead! We did get to take daddy dinner to work though - which Campbell loved. She loves to go visit him at the "hapital". At the park Campbell got to jump in the jumping castle, ride the carosel, decorate egg cookies, play with a bubble machine, and attempt to ride a pony. Emphasis on ATTEMPT... she loves horses, so I thought - "hey, this will be great! she would love a pony ride..." So Jess and I wait in the blazing hot sun in a long line for this. Of course when I put her on the pony, she looses it. Maybe next year!

Good Friday night my parents and brother kept Cambpell in Auburn so Ben and I could go to the Secret Church at The Church at Brookhills. We had been once before and were so excited to go again. This is an awesome night the church does twice a year, where they meet on Friday night from 6pm to Midnight for teaching, worship, and to hear missionaries from various areas of the world where the church is persecuted. They translate the teaching from these nights into hundreds of languages to be used as teaching material for these persecuted churches around the world. Its amazing. What a great way to start Easter weekend...

Saturday Ben and I had a little lunch date and he took me to the indoor shooting range here. I said I would go with him as part of his Valentines present - and he took me up on it. :) I really didn't want to go - I am not opposed to guns since I grew up around them, but I do not share this hobby with my husband. Until now... I loved it!! My shooting wasn't too bad either... The details from that trip could be a whole post in itself. :) Then my parents brought Campbell back that night and went to church and lunch with us for Easter. We loved having them here - thanks for coming Honey and Papa!

Campbell got a fun Easter basket with some of her favorites - Easter jewelry, some rings that had lipgloss in them (a mistake i later realized) stickers, candy - and a new table and chairs that are just her size from Honey and Papa. Uncle Brian gave her a huge stuffed duck she fondly calls Charlie Duck, and Aunt Vanny gave her a cute new bathing suit and tshirt she has been carrying around in its bag for days. Aunt Sue sent her a new Elmo book and stickers - she was spoiled! Thanks everyone! We also did a little Easter egg hunt at home, and spent good quality time with some friends that night. It was a great weekend!