I call - He answers

I have heard people say that it is hard for them to read blogs - because people only put the "good" in their lives on their blogs - as if every one of us has happy husbands, obedient children, and a perfectly clean house with a yummy meal in the oven. We all know this is not so... and to prove it, this post will expose me for the helpless sinner that I am. No need to hide it - I need Him. Today especially - and when I called, He answered.

Ben has been working long hours, which is always hard for many reasons. We don't get enough time together, which usually brings petty arguments for no reason. It also means Campbell doesn't get enough time with HIM (which breaks my heart), and I get too much time with HER. Plus Ben is exhausted, and never gets a break... not a good combination. On top of this, the terrible two's have slapped me in the face. When Campbell first hit 2 I thought, "hey, this isn't too bad!" - boy was that premature. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my child - and she has really good days, but she has really bad days too. Like the last several in a row - which have been enough to send me over the edge... like today.

I had lunch with 2 college friends, and Campbell poked one of the them in the face with a fork and refused to apologize. She also wouldn't hug them or tell them bye - but prefered to scream no instead. When I got home, I had had enough. I emailed Ben to apologize for not being forgiving in a stupid argument from the night before, and broke down in the middle of it. I want to love my husband and child perfectly - and I can't. I fail every day. I also want another child so badly - and hate the waiting period the Lord is taking us through. But then I have this horrible feeling, that maybe He shouldn't give us another if I am having such a hard time with this one. A terrible thought, I know - but an honest one.

With tears rolling down my cheeks, I collapsed on my bed knowing I didn't need to call a friend, my mom or even Ben at work - I needed to talk to my heavenly Father. He was the only one that could save me from this pit... I tried to pray, sing a favorite hymn or 2 in my head, but I needed to hear from the Lord - so I brushed the dust off my Bible (yes, i said dust - it has been a while - which is probably how i got in this pit) and opened to Romans 8. And as I read the very words of God Himself, I saw a heading called "More than Conquerors". Ha - I thought - I DEFINITELY don't feel like a conqueror - let alone more. I feel like a failure. But as I read I was reminded that it is not ME who conquers... it is HIM.

"In all these things we are more than conquerors THROUGH HIM WHO LOVED US. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord."

I am so easy overwelmed with the turns life has been taking these days, sometimes I feel the walls closing in. Today the Lord sweetly reminded me He would save me from that feeling by showing me "how WIDE and LONG and HIGH and DEEP is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:18-19

Thank you Jesus...