Our Roller Coaster

So much has happened since my last post - I will see if I can get it all into words...

In May we were finishing up our adoption process, and were getting our profile (the "book" the birth mothers see that tells about our family, what they use to pick us!) ready to put up... I was SO excited, and could not wait to get it put up - but I was so busy that it kept getting put off... I was trying to find us a rental house in Auburn, Ben was about to turn 30 and I wanted to make it special, etc... Several of the houses I found would fall through at the last minute, and I would have to start over - which was making me crazy, but little did I know that these little "distractions" were straight from the Lord's hands... I was getting so sad and frustrated at all I had on my plate, when I all I wanted to do was meet this birth mom and little one that I had longed for...

Then on a Thursday at the end of May I started to think that I might be late... but let me be clear - I DID NOT think I was pregnant, just wondered if I was late. After stopping fertility treatment in January, I just gave up keeping track of the days and all because it was just too painful - I didn't want to know... So, I didn't really know for sure - but just to save myself the pain of the "what if's" I decided I would stop and get a pregnancy test at Publix just to prove what I already knew to be true - there was no way I could be pregnant. I have taken hundreds of pregnancy tests in my over 3 years of trying, and have seen hundreds of negatives - so I had gotten used to this. When I was going through fertility treatment I had a little ritual when taking a test. I would take it, set it down - then go into my closet alone to pray and beg God for good news, and ask Him to prepare my heart for the worst. Since stopping fertility I had all but given up on being pregnant - so this time I just took it and walked away, knowing what the result would be and trying to spare myself the pain.

Several minutes later I walked back by it, and what I saw took my breath away - it was positive!! It wasn't the clearest positive result, but it was definitely not the negative I was so used to seeing. The tears began, and I still couldn't breathe. I grabbed my phone and called Ben at work (knowing there was no way I could wait until he got home to tell him in a "fun" way!) and tried to compose myself so I could relay the news...

Ben: Hello?
Me: I took a test! And its positive!
Ben: What?
Me: I took a test!
Ben: Who took a test?
Me: I TOOK A TEST!! Its positive!
Ben: Silence. Then laughter.

It was the most amazing feeling in the entire world. A feeling I had begged the Lord for, yet thought I would never feel again. In that moment, I didn't even care what was to come - I was just so thankful for that feeling.

I went to the doctor the next morning for bloodwork and to confirm, and then went about telling everyone our good news - we are not the kind of people that can wait 12 weeks - especially this time! I was screaming it from the roof tops... I even drove to Lake Oconee to be with my family and tell my brother in person that weekend. And the sweetest moment was telling Campbell... no one was more excited than her!

Then Tuesday morning my doctor called (I thought to give me my lab results, say congrats, etc) and instead I heard hesitation in his voice. "I have bad news Katie...." I will never forget the way I felt. I am still crying even typing the words. NO! How could we finally get the desire of our hearts and have it taken away so soon?? I was so angry... I collapsed on my kitchen floor in tears. "Your HCG level is less than 1 Katie - it means you have miscarried." I was numb. Campbell of course rushed over to check on me, and I had to do one of the hardest things I have ever done... explain this to her. The next hardest was telling my sweet husband...

The next week was so hard. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was just struggling with what the Lord was doing... but throughout that week I had no bleeding, and as time when on I started to get sick. I have several "medical" friends who questioned my results all along - they were convinced I needed more bloodwork. I also had sweet friends that had way more faith than me - and prayed that God would save our baby. One of my best friend's dad is an OB and he suggested I go back in for more bloodwork. I reluctantly (not wanting to feel the pain all over again) made another appointment and went in. The nurse said she would call me that afternoon. Campbell was at VBS that day, and all I could do was blare praise music in my car and at home as I went about my day - I just wanted to be near the Lord and be prepared for what was to come... Around 3 I still hadn't heard from her, so I called the receptionist and the nurse answered instead "I was just about to call you...." "And say what?" I asked, scared to even ask the question... "Katie, I don't know what is going on, but you better get up here now for an ultrasound - you are definitely still pregnant!" Oh, the joy and relief.... And to this day we still don't know what happened in that lab - but we do know that it was a miracle straight from the Lord - and the doctors and nurses in that office know it too! And I think it makes the story sweeter... because no fertility treatment can take credit, and no - it is NOT because we had started the adoption process or were no longer "stressed" - it the Lord's glory to claim... and His alone!

Hearing that little heartbeat with Ben and Campbell by my side was the most amazing thing... what a roller coaster it has been, but the Lord knew what He was doing each and every moment... We let Campbell call my mom from the doctors office and she yelled "Honey! The doctors were wrong! Our baby isn't in heaven or sick - she is still in mommys tummy!" Sweetest words I have ever heard....

So, long story short.... we found a great rental house, and have now been living in Auburn for 2 weeks. Ben turned 30, and we were able to celebrate with family and friends... and no, we never got our profile finished - which saved us the $500 it would have cost to put it up! And yes, I experienced some of the hardest hurt, and greatest joy of my life - all in a few weeks time. I am now 14 weeks pregnant and oh so sick - but oh so thankful... And we will finish that profile one day... one day.

I think of one the reasons I struggled with/delayed writing this for so long, is that my heart is so heavy for those people that I care so much about (and even those I don't know) who are longing for a baby of their own... the pain is so fresh in my heart of how it felt every time I got those phone calls, read those emails, or blog posts. And as happy as I was for those momma's, it stung so bad... and I just didn't want anyone else to feel that way. Please know that I am praying for each of you - and that I know the Lord is building such a story in your lives that only He can... even if it's a roller coaster!


Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,

The Lord has done great things for us;
we are glad!

Restore our fortunes, O Lord,
like streams in the Negeb!
Those who sow in tears
shall reap with shouts of joy!

Psalm 126